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Hahaha!

Am I confused? Or am I confusing?

I feel bad for screwing up on everything... well mostly everything.

And I feel stupid for actually thinking everything could go back to the way it was.

I can see now.

Like really see...

Coz finally, all the tears that were held back poured out uncontrollably.

I can't help but think I should hate... but somehow I just can't seem to.

I'm gonna miss you nicole.

-lokisout-

Misinterpretation... an honest mistake.

I should've just kept walking. I was almost there.

I should've listened... especially to Jonel.

Ahk.

Well that sucked.

But mind you, the company wasn't bad. If circumstances were different, I would have had fun drinking with them.

Ah... Laguna will be my sanctuary.

I was gonna write something symbolic and shit... but I got lazy wahahaha!

I think it was worth the shot. I just really misinterpreted things, or so I think

Misinterpretation is the key to misunderstandings [Tama ba pag quote ko? haha]

It ends tonight.

And so it begins....

It's not the waiting that sucks. It's realizing there nothing to wait for... after 2 hours... ZZZzzzzz! Hahaha!

Twice in a year. My heart should turn as black as my lungs. HAHAHA! Ok.. maybe that's too much. I don't want to be evil.

No more posts like this ever again. Haha! Actually, I'll try me best never to post ever again. A first try to say goodbye. Goodbye LJ.

Oh, and due to sheer frustration, step one and two are complete. Step three.. I'm still trying.

-lok is out-

I'm gonna fucking fail stat. Oh well.

Oh, and fuck the social climbers.

Yup. That's it.

Well no, not really.

I'm wondering what'll happen later.

Haha.

Awkward?

Probably.

I'm hungry.

Putangina bakit ako naaasar?

Tangina.

Talon. Langoy. Lipad.

Ang labo.

Tangina.

AYAW KO MAASAR!!!!

Studying progress = 1.37%

Yes... I have barely read the book after promising to myself that I'd study everything by today. SHIT!

I can't seem to get my mind to concentrate on studying.

I screwed up last night. I lost control. But maybe it is good?

coz i, i know i can never be enough
to replace your whatever
and i, i think it's shiny and blue
like a dance that see through
coz i, i know i can never be enough
to replace your whatever
now everything is silent,
everything is still without you near

Should I keep walking? I'm tempted to go back for what I left behind, to go back for water, to go back and rest.

I should just wait for Laguna and everything will be good again.

Or should I jump off my comfort zone again?

It is at its purest form.

And I'm annoyed that I can't go to Cafe Ysabela tomorrow. I have a stupid test from 6pm to 9m. WAAAH! Maybe I should drink before the test... I got a B+ last time I did that. If I fail the test I fail the subject, and if I get high I can pull it up to a C. Should I take the risk?

Wait. Calm down. Don't get too excited.

Don't forget the lessons.

QMT test on Friday.

Control.

But I really did feel happy... Hrmm.

No drama. No drama.

how does it feel?
How is it that i can't feel?
coz i, i need to know

Tangina! Kinilig ako?!?! HAHAHA!

Shet... di ko na-expect yun.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

Haha! Matutuwa pa rin kaya ako paglipas ng ilang linggo?

Drop everything, start it all over
remember more then you'd like to forget

Tae... kinilig talaga ako. Shet. Haha

Something is.. I don't know

Gravity's pulling me...

Good or bad?

Today wasn't bad... Except for the part I had to go back and forth from sec B to xavier.. certain complications.

Tonight wasn't very nice. I should step up.

Accounting wasn't very hard. I computed for my grade. Even if I get an F in the last test, I'd still get a C. HAHAHA! I can't believe it's actually accounting that's gonna pull up my QPI haha!

I had that chance. It was right in front of me. Just a little after the test... but I didn't take it.

I have a last chance... on that last day.

Somehow... something's pulling me. I just can't figure out what it is.

I have not studied...

I am gonna get screwed up the ass... SHIT!

But somehow all I can think about is what tomorrow would bring... I should really form some courage to do what I have to do.

After this post... aral na all the way. Forget Spanish and Sci 10... even if I have grades there that are lower than expected. BAHALA NA!

Slow and steady... slow and steady. I still can't deny it... but I won't be begging for it.

Ateneo by 730... I wonder it maybe I could...? Hahaha!

I liked today. I liked tonight actually.

Even if I think I screwed up my Psychology test that might result to me getting an F... Ok fine maybe not as bad as an F... but I think I'm stuck with a D.

I can see how things really happen for a reason, and I'm happy it went that way.

So I was dropped off in Merville, got a jeep from there to Alabang. Fell asleep in jeepney. Got a jeep in Alabang to Las Pinas.. Fell asleep too. Gahddam it! I'm shit ass tired and I need sleep. I shouldn't even be doing this coz I've to study for Accounting. 2 chapters... fuck fuck fuck!

I can do this. I can prove everyone wrong. I can fucking study.

I'd want it again. If only I'd allow it sooner, I could have had you with me there. Eh? Haha!

Faster pace.

Ayoko na

Putangina! Ayoko na talaga!

Ang haba ng babasahin ko sa psych... tae!!!

Ayoko na mag-aral

I hate the thoughts that are rushing in my head.

More hope for a hopeless quest?

Save me...

And I still know nothing for psychology. 0 of 9 chapters to read

I still have lessons to learn. I'm being an idiot again.

I am still fragile... I got hurt.

Anyway... I just finished studying chapter 9 of Accounting. Psych finals later you say? I haven't studied. I know nothing in fucking Psychology. And I need like a C+ in the finals to get a C in psych... Waaah!

Gahd, my nails are damn long. And the pinkies still have nail polish but it's already fading out... Hrmm.

I'm panicking. Like shit ass panicking. But still procrastination gets the best of me. Oh, and my current standing in Eco is a C+... I thought I was a B... motha fucka!!!! Shit... that just screws everything up.

Finish LS in a few hours... LS make up quizzes at 11AM... I need this. I need to get a C+ in this subject at the least.

Sembreak... I still don't want to feel alone for the sembreak.

But who was I to think it could've been me?

Guess what?

I'm fucking back.

Study time soon... Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm sad that the sem's ending... just when it started to be nice again. Hahaha!

I will realize the curse of a king, although I don't think I'm prepared just yet.

Permanently TAB

But Jonel tells me she's hot... Hrmmm hahaha!

How the fuck am I supposed to study for psych? No book, no notes, nothing. Someone give me a crash course.

So, here are my speculations on my grades.
Spanish - F
Eco - B
Sci 10 - C+
Accounting - C+
QMT 11 - D
Psych - D
LS 10 - C

Very bad grades... Tangina! Someone teach me Psych!!!

Drama... just to release everything.

Whose hand was there that held you freely as I watched helplessly? [personally, I thought it was very... ahk nevermind]

And I actually thought that I was done... I have to start accepting, "di ka na akin"

But I think this would be the last time that I'll be wallowing in self pity. That's left for my secret livejournal account.

And as I hold your hand with mine, promise me you will never leave my side

This week.. a lot of people "slapped" me. And now I formulated 6 steps

Cellphone to Computer to Phone to Blog to Ninja and to Princess... there. 5 steps.

I should really start facing reality that there is no continuance, no closure.

Or maybe it's because I'm trying my best to not have a closure... after all, I avoided 3-5 closures already... begging and pleading... such a strike to one's pride. Not that pride matters... I don't think I have any left.

Funny thing is, this feeling of eagerness that I have when I hear my cellphone beep was what I felt back in mid 2nd sem. I'd check every minute or so... to see if you've texted. Haha! How sad... or should I say pathetic?

I don't want to be a hypocrite so I won't play it safe. You've made your decision... And I will no longer plead my case.

It'll take a lot of control... after all, right now I still can't imagine this without... Gahd nevermind...

I actually waited because at a unique and farfetched point of view... you were there... just there... but a lot farther than where you used to be.

Of course I still love you. I know for a fact that I still do. I mean, I won't feel what I feel whenever I find out about those stuff if I don't anymore. And I don't think it's not about you leaving, coz you already have... or should I say it was me who left? I don't need to prove anything to anyone... this is what I feel and that is up to people to believe it.

And I'm gonna end by saying I was here to stay. I stayed and waited even when everything was falling apart right in front of me. I decided to be blind. I did snap a few times, but I was still just there. Keyword... was

I'm not here to stay, I'm not here to wait. Not anymore, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm just here to finally get my life straight, with or without you. I'd prefer if it was with you... but not everyone can get what they want.

And I'm gonna end this by saying... Thanks

I'd like to say I miss you too... but I know that was not meant for me.

And after this... all the drama shall get sucked into a blackhole as if it never existed. [that will be left for the "hidden" blog, haha]

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm forced to find another i hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

Seems to me that song suits me quite nicely... haha!

I don't want a goodbye...

but maybe it just can't be helped.

Finals are coming... I'm panicking... I get 3 D's in just 1 month of screwing up. Fuck

Pray for me... wish me luck... I need a hell lot of those

12th January, 2006. 12:20 am. Hahahaha!

A lost blog... just because I'm not emo anymore... HAHAHAH!

Whee!

Sana maintindihan ng lahat na hindi ako nanggagago... masaya lang talaga ako

At hindi ko na rin sinasabi na ganito o ganyan ang nararamdaman ko tungkol dito...

Mabuting na ang masaya... at walang ibang iniisip

At ako ay natatawa... hahahaha!

Si Trini ay isang gago...

Yun lang po...

There is always an escape.



Right over there...

Thank fucking God I wasn't home and alone last night...

I'm sorry